I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have Major Depression Disorder. I have Specific Phobia Disorder. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I have multiple personalities. I have blackouts in my memory. I have false memories. I probably have Attention Deficit Disorder. Meanwhile, while living with all of this, and trying to discover more about myself: I've been married since May 2012. =D I'm also pregnant. I'm going to school to eventually get my PhD in Psychology to help people just as messed up as me. There will always be triggers, as I can't possibly know all of mine, much less yours, and I apologize for any panic attacks or stress my posts may cause you. I will always be here to help those in need, in any way that I can. That is what I live for, other than Brett (my husband). If you have any questions, or need help, feel free to ask, but it might take me a few days to reply, as we are very busy.
Does anyone follow my posts anymore (or care)? Not in the greatest mood…just rather depressed.
Sudoku likes to remind me how stupid I am…..ugh. Why am I bothering?
I went to Prom at the Westin hotel with my ex in 2009, I talked a little, ate barely anything, then told ex I was going to the bathroom. Well, I went to the bathroom but it was overcrowded with preppy bitches, so I went and hid behind an indentation in the wall next to the dance room. All the chaprones and people kept coming over to make sure I wasn’t snorting crack (they actually asked me several times if I was on/doing drugs), until they saw me crying my eyes out, freaking the hell out. Shortly after that, ex came out & found me. He asked me if I wanted to go home, but I said no, only because it was his last chance for prom & he’d have to drive me back. So, we went back in the dance room, and he made me dance 2 times. Made me talk to people. Made me eat something in front of people. I now know the people hated my guts & were all happy when we broke up, but they were all genuinely nice that night and that helped. Hell, we had even snuck a few shots in to prevent my panic attacks (how bad would it have been otherwise??)
My only regret about that night: losing the pictures of the dance. It was actually pretty fun once I set my mind to stay. That’s the main night I go back to every-time something feels too hard, when I want to just hide & run away due to anxiety attacks. Sure, the pills help, but they only do what your body is capable of doing with the willpower without them: relaxing, and having a good time (and occasionally getting high).
If you stay, it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but if you let go some, try to have a good time, you’ll realize that no-one is there to hurt you. No-one is there to make fun of you, they’re all just there to have fun. and if they notice that you’re having problems, if they make fun of you for any reason, it’s ONLY because they themselves are insecure & find strength in bringing others down. Which makes them far weaker than you.
If you’re content never going anywhere, never doing anything, never calling anyone, keep doing what you’re doing. If that’s the case, I can’t fault you at al. But I know for years & years, I tried convincing myself that I didn’t want a social life, I didn’t want friends. It hurt to admit to myself that my one or two friends was my life & I wanted more of one. I wanted to go to school without hiding in the bathroom during lunches not eating, not because I wasn’t hungry, but because I ‘couldn’t’. Not because the teachers didn’t come in and write me up for skipping lunch, but because I would break down in complete panic the few times I was forced to go in the lunch-room. No, I wanted more out of life. I got therapy and although it was the hardest thing in the world (even harder than labor without cursing anyone out), I followed (most of) my therapist’s instructions. He would give me homework: go into the cafeteria and sit down for at least 10 minutes at a table, say hi to 3 people in a day, ask 1 person how their day was (family/friends don’t count). Pathetic, meaningless tasks (as it would seem to others) that would send me into panic at his mere mention of them. My therapist was one of the few people I hated lying to (plus he could usually tell somehow). It got to the point that I would dread lying to him about the ‘homework assignments’ or disappointing him (worse than lying since I projected some of my feelings toward my dad onto him). So I started doing the assignments as only a way to make him proud, or so I wouldn’t have to lie. But eventually it because easier & easier. My therapist would point out that what I always feared happening never did, and on the very rare occasion, it wasn’t a tenth as bad as I had built it up in my mind. I’ve been in therapy since 2009, and have been improved dramatically. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still sometime have panic attacks, or that I don’t have to force myself to eat in front of people (even family). I’ll probably never be able to be as outgoing as Brett & loose myself in talking to people, but that’s just how we’re different. But I’m long past the days of running to a bathroom every time someone says hi or even looks at me.
It is hard. Harder than I can think of a accurate adjective for right now…like I said, harder than my labor was -_-. But nothing worth doing was ever easy.
Ok, new computer (shitty & slow but oh well). So anyway, I’ll be on more frequently than once every 2-3 months lol. Sorry to all those who had sent me messages, the tumblr app on my phone won’t show me messages, grrr. I’ve replied to all of them now though.
I’m alive & well in case any of you were wondering. I gave birth March 8th to an extremely beautiful little girl. 3 weeks early they had to induce labor because my ambotic (sp?) fluid had gotten too low. Which led me to walking around Atlanta trying to find my car while crying & having a panic attack so bad I could barely see, then driving myself to the hospital because I told them I’d be fine to…but she’s fine. :) we named her Selene. I’d post a pic if my phone would let me.
On switching: I’ve only been in the beginning stages of switching/fuzzy, not there, but not really anyone else yet either. So it’s been probably damn near to 8 months since I’ve actually switched completely. And it feels so amazing, but you know me, I keep waiting for it to end. For all the good things in my life to go bad again. But hopefully life surprises me this time around. :)
I’ll start posting more frequently when I get a laptop of my own & can remember my tumblr password…which could be a while since I’m trying to save up but don’t have a lot of $ to save lol.