I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have Major Depression Disorder. I have Specific Phobia Disorder. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have Anti-Social Personality Disorder. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I have multiple personalities. I have blackouts in my memory. I have false memories. I probably have Attention Deficit Disorder. Meanwhile, while living with all of this, and trying to discover more about myself: I've been married since May 2012. =D I'm also pregnant. I'm going to school to eventually get my PhD in Psychology to help people just as messed up as me. There will always be triggers, as I can't possibly know all of mine, much less yours, and I apologize for any panic attacks or stress my posts may cause you. I will always be here to help those in need, in any way that I can. That is what I live for, other than Brett (my husband). If you have any questions, or need help, feel free to ask, but it might take me a few days to reply, as we are very busy.
(A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)
Angry Customer: “Damn f**s.”
Gay Man: “Excuse me?”
Angry Customer: “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”
Gay Man: *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”
Angry Customer: “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”
(The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)
Angry Customer: *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”
(Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)
Owner: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”
Wife: “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”
Owner: “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”
(The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)
I finally broke down & told my therapist how bad my depression’s been since being pregnant and off all the pills. He wants me to keep a journal of how I’m feeling (emotionally), as well as of cognitive thoughts for the next 2 weeks. So here it goes: I need a scale of some sort, otherwise this won’t get done lol.
5= great mood
4= good mood
2= just depressed
1= suicidal thoughts
12-1pm: 4. Ate lunch with Brett & was able to talk to strangers some. A little jealous when bartender was talking to Brett. 2-6 pm: 3. No bad thoughts, little energy. 6-9pm: 2. Hopeless about school and life in general. Not wanting to eat. 9pm-sleep: 1. Want to cut, nails aren’t enough pain. Want to go somewhere away from all this. Maybe not death, but that seems the only option without driving and wasting gas $ going nowhere. 2-3 am: 2-3: talked to Brett & he held me while I cried. Told him I was jealous of everyone that even looks at him (it has to be the hormones) and that I feel like no matter what I do, he’s going to leave me.
11/21: 9am-8pm: 4. (Orientation from 12-4) 8pm-sleep: 3.
11/22: 11am-8pm: 3-4. (Brett’s grandma died).
11/23: 3-4. (Work)
11/24: 3-4. (Work)
11/26: 3-4, then 2.
11/27: 3, then 2. (Brett’s grandma’s funeral)
11/28: 3. (Thanksgiving)
11/29: 3. (Work)
11/30: 2-3 (Work was cancelled)
12/1: 3 (work). 2 later in day.
12/2: 3. A lot of running around, frustrated with traffic. 4= at/shortly after doc appt. Back to 3 around 6pm.
It is possible for someone to gain some control over their switching so that there’s a higher chance that the alter capable of best handling a situation will be the one to front in said situation. This is done by increasing communication and lowering dissociative barriers so that alters have an easier time accessing front and remaining at the front together. Some people do have exceptionally good control over their switching and might be able to call out alters whenever they want to. Again, this is due to lower dissociative barriers. As a system increases cooperation or approaches integration, this should become easier for them to do. Some systems may be able to use “triggers,” positive or negative (but hopefully positive!) in order to activate, so to speak, the alter that they want to switch with them. A trigger is basically anything that causes a reaction in someone. When referring to DID, it can be used to mean either a PTSD trigger, which triggers a negative set of reactions related to the trauma, or a DID trigger, which would cause switching. Often times, triggers can be unexpected and frustrating, if not frightening, but some with DID can make use of planned triggers to call forth the correct alter. As well, some therapists may be very good at “calling out” certain alters, effectively allowing a person to switch as desired in therapy in order to ensure that everyone in the system has a say or so that the therapist can help allow the system to communicate. Keep in mind that this should only happen with the consent of the system; many with DID would find it unnerving to have someone else facilitate a switch without asking for the system’s permission first.
However, I wouldn’t word it as “training yourself to switch on command.” I doubt that you meant any harm by it, and please don’t take offense or feel like anyone is angry at you, but that wording almost makes it sound as if someone with DID is a dog learning new tricks. Perhaps it’s just me, but I find that idea a bit uncomfortable.
-Rage of Those Interrupted
I want to do things with my life but I also want to bury myself in a forest and let the moss grow over me so where does that leave us